The State of Mind During Love vs. Heartbreak
The State of Mind during a heartbreak vs. being in love
Romantic love can be referred to as an addiction; a perfectly wonderful addiction when things are going well; the bliss the elation! The "I can’t do anything without thinking of you" feeling. That "I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I think about you all the time!" feeling. You are the last person I think of at night and the first person I think of every morning…. right?
I think about you all day; I am floating on cloud nine. My heart is pounding and full. I see your name on my phone and my heart skips a beat; I think about you at work, between tasks, sometimes during tasks. I am distracted and blissfully happy! Life is wonderful and I am in heaven! Sex drive on high; Intense romantic feelings of deep attachment. Romantic love is the epitome of happiness.
Romantic love however can be a most horrifying experience and super hard to get over when you get "dumped". This is a hard place to be.
Based on a documentary by Dr. Fisher, she and her team of Doctors followed 15 individuals who had just been “dumped”. They were all placed in a brain scanner. Fisher was looking to see if there would be brain activity linked to those with drug addictions and indeed, they found it to be true.
The research showed that an MRI of 15 individuals who had just been dumped looked very similar to a brain on drugs. In fact, the same brain regions become active as the ones do when you take cocaine.
Love is an addiction; a powerful drug. On the way up it is amazing but, on the way, down it “sucks” says Fisher.
Crimes of passion around the world are often based on this addictive emotion. When you have sex with someone you don’t really love then it doesn’t really matter if that person gets with someone else. On the other hand, when you are in love with someone you are sexually intimate with and they cheat on you, your heart is wrenching and emotionally out of sorts. You can even become obsessive. You can become sick from the emotion. The trauma and distraught emotions are horrible.
Humans have evolved to 3 different brain systems in terms of reproduction; one is sex drive, one is feelings of intense romantic love and one is deep attachment. They can all be an addiction says Fisher but the most dangerous one can be “romantic love” because when you are rejected it drives up the dopamine system in the brain and that gives you focus, energy and motivation. You think about it all the time. Over and over again… You don’t eat, you don’t sleep; much like when you are addicted to a drug. No one goes unscathed. At some point we will all experience heartbreak. Heartbreak can be an obsessive feeling that is often times out of our control.
THE GOOD NEWS!
It has been proven that It does get better over time and with distance. Time does heal. The brain region that has been linked with storing oxytocin and attachment becomes less and less active the longer you are away from the love interest.
If you are trying to get away from a heartbreak relationship then you must do everything you can to stay away from the person. Get exercise. Get hugs from good friends. Get out of bed and take a walk. If someone is camping in your head you must get them out! Sitting in bed with the Haagen Daaz is NOT the answer. You can memorize poetry which will keep your mind busy. Don’t read it, memorize it. You will thus be occupying your mind.
Treat romantic heartbreak as an addiction. Remove photos, emails, text messages, delete numbers and do not follow that person on social media. Ask your friends not to tell you about any news they may hear about them and ask not to mention that person’s name in your presence. Some people feel like telling you everything they hear or know about your love interest. Ask them in advance not to.
Let’s choose to take control of our feelings and focus on either being in love, or moving on.
Find something else to focus on. Meet new people. Get out of the house. The distraction of meeting new friends who find you interesting and attractive can boost your self-esteem. I am not saying run out and find a new love. I do believe that we should focus on looking our best, being our best, staying active and focusing on the people in our lives who love us. Work on your career. Make money. Be the best you!
If you have let yourself go a little bit then get it back together. Go to the gym, turn upbeat happy music on in the car. Get out with your friends. It is healthy to spend at least 2 lunches or dinners with your buddies. Studies have shown that women benefit from spending 2 evenings each week with their Girlfriends.
There is always tomorrow and it will come. It just takes time. There is the promise of love after love. It is a human need and we can all have it again.
Content from Live audio show with Dr. Fisher as well as her book “The Anatomy Of Love” available on Amazon